Shaking

I'm worried because my anxiety is so bad in the last three days that I'm now shaking.

My right hand and wrist and now my right lower leg and foot. Not all the time but most of my waking hours. And after it stop it is sore and numb-ish.

I wonder if there is something very wrong with me ):

I hate this crap with all my heart and soul. When I get better, because I must get better! I will live like I have never lived before. No more fear and anxiety to worry about. No more silly odd fears.

(I even got scared during the chapter in Fableheaven call Mid-summer or w/e, what a messed up illness I have.... but I must push on! God help me!)


It is snowing up here and today Paul gets ordained! So the fam won't be home for quite a bit it looks like.

*HUUUUGS* to my friend and buds!

Blllaaaarrrrg!

Feel like road killer that was crapped on and then set on fire BUT, I'm managing to live somehow.

Today

So today I feel *slightly* better then I do most days. I think the reason is that I (per my meds councilor's permission) upped my amount of the current meds. Not that I feel better/normal in a oh say jumping for joy kinda way but I'll take any lil bit I can get. Maybe it will get even better after I've been at the higher dosage for oh say a week or so. I mean a crazy gurl can always hope, right?

Also I did something I have not done in more then a month and a half. I watched a animated (CGI) film. Most of the time things to unrealistic inflames my damn DP. though this time it pulled me away from dwelling on my DP and into the story and even got me laughing and chuckling. It was "Kung-fo Panda". Really funny and cute. I now want to (and wish I had it here) watch "The Furious Five" spin-off. It looks funny and fun.

I need fun and laughter.

I've been thinking about picking up the book "The Hometown Weekly" by Bruce Lindsay. It kinda like "A Parry Home Companion" on NPR/PRI. Yeah it is mellow but, that is what I'm going for. I mean Hells bells I would love to be able to finish "The Stand" by Stephen King but, from what I gather and what the DP manual says mellow is the way to go to get out from under this cack. I don't want to inflame this stuff since when I do I just have to ride it out as I have found NO way to lessen it when it spikes at all. If anyone does then please tell me I would love to know. Hell any advice on this cack (good, helpful advice) is more then welcome!

One thing that has been getting to me in a major way other then the crushing unreality and fear is the fact that I'm very, VERY tired ALL THE TIME -_-...

I mean WTH!? I do almost nothing most days other then keep my mind busy and thus my butt not moving and yet I still feel like I've stayed up all night and way running errands all day. This sux soooo bad! (though I would trade even more tiredness for any extra relief from this DP/DR crap)

Now I'm bored with most everything and feel way to worn out to read my books (though they are good reads) and thus my mind wanders down that frakked up road in my head and stares at the damned black mass that is DP/DR and ponders on it.

*sigh*

It sux when you look forward every morning to just going back to bed to escape this cack. And even worse my sleep over the last two days has been HORRIBLE! I keep waking up and tossing and turning.

>.> Oh well each day moves me a tad closer to escaping this (I hope).

Weight lifting

I really want to start benching again... but I need one of my brothers to spot me really well since I have this DP cack.

Last time I benched I worked up rather far and it was an fun yet intense 30-45 min of work!

I just worry that I'll be to spacey to be careful enough with all that weight over my chest/head.

Hmmm guess that it comes down to how much I trust my bros to spot me. Also that mean working my way back up and being sore (in a oh so good way ^_^) but, sore none the less.

hmmm

I think I have pissed someone off. I hope I'm wrong.

Picked up the first couple "Fableheaven" books to read. Will most likely be through them in a few days and then be back to square one with nothing to read (and very little to do).

Nothing much other then the last two days have been hard and scary. Made a new play list so I don't have to skip around my music list and flip back and forth between iTunes and firefox/WoW to skip over the less tolerable songs. Its called "Mellow 09".... hope that it doesn't turn into "Mellow 09-10" -_-.

I need more 'PMA' (positive mental attitude) about this but it is harder then hell to do that. I feel like I've been reduced to the mental strength of a 5 year old most of the time. I hate being left alone in the house... so stupid but it scares the shit out of me due to this.

*sigh* I feel like all I can do is whine.

*tries to pull self up by boot straps*

Oh well still get to wait for packages in the mail and that will be fun (just a tad bit of sunshine).

laters

Cogito Ergo Sum

Or in other words:

"I think, therefore I am" - Descartes

Just another reason

This is just one reason that Etsy entertains me for hours each day (yes that is sad but XP suck it lol). This is taken from the "Dirty Sanchez" (yeah it is what you think) soap shop's description of her soap called:

"caffeine"

"you know those mornings when you’re just so full of hate – for getting out of bed, for facing another day at your dumb job, for your stupid neighbor who steals your paper and lets his dog wiz on your fence? those mornings when you feel like slashing tires and tripping old ladies? those mornings when you just want to punch a baby deer? yeah, this soap won’t help any of that... you probably need a therapist and some prozac.

but for those less-psychotic mornings when you just can’t quite figure out if you should aim for the coffee maker or the shower first, my caffeine soap is just what the head-shrinker ordered. made with a super-rich blend of oils, real ground coffee for gentle exfoliation and natural color, and scented with a delicious combo of coffee and vanilla (think Trademarked Overpriced Quasi-Italian Blended Frozen Espresso Drink,) this bar should carry you through until your actual coffee kicks in. and if not? at least you’ll be clean."

Lost in translation... err I mean my room?

I finally found my Yellowcard CD but I still have yet to find my Beatles CD -_-

I can't find it anywhere in my room... unless it is under the pile of boxes next to my computer which it most likely is.

*sigh*

Sux to live in a room full of boxes and the likes...

My life in the form of a web comic v. IV

Yup feel pretty close to me >.>

Blah

So fish oil HATES me so I'm going vegan and trying Flax seed oil.

Ya know the days seem to fly by no matter how horrible certain moments are.... it feels odd to feel so messed up each day in the head yet feel like the days are ripping by. I think it has to do with the feeling that I'm doing very little compared to normal and so I'm 'loosing' time.

Sux but each day moves me forward and I do have like 4 packages coming and one of them does have three "Enter the Haggis" CDs in it ^_^ (squeee)

I wanna thank all the people that keep reminding me how strong I am and that they know I can fight my way out even if it is a long and horrid road!

Also the good weather and later sun sets are lifting parts of my mood.

Anyway that is all for this moment in time lol.



***OH! It is way to cold to be this sunny lol.***

Long time sick no new post...

hmmm this blog keeps dying so check my link area down to the right side and go to my LJ "Rhythm of your heart and soul" blog for more updated post until I get back to this one.