Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Lessons I have learned from this
....and am still learning.
I don't think I have talked much as of the last few weeks except in passing on how I'm doing with my DP/DR.
To be honest I'm still working hard at living next to it and ignoring it and getting on with my life. All parts of good advice I would pass on to others that have this hurdle in their own life or of someone they know. (Like I said those books are the best forty bucks I have yet to spend in my life)
But I can say I've come a long way and moved mountains to get here. Sometimes those mountains fall on me and I have to crawl out from beneath them and brush myself off.
A big part is staying firm in your own mind's stance of who you are and what you know is true. Very much harder said them done. Trust me this road will beat you down and then when you are laying in a ditch next to the road in a puddle of your own blood it will keep beating on you and kicking you in the most tender part trying to make you cry uncle and give in. It wants you to sat in that hole scared and in pain.
Well what it does not know is that it only has as much power as you give it. That means some days it is a raging Godzilla monster raging through the streets in your head and other days it is just a brat with a nerf bat beating you around the ankles screaming and carrying on throwing its tantrum.
In fact most days that you just get on with your life and say frak you you lil brat it is just that the fussy ignored lil kid carrying on wanting all of your attention and you just don't give a frak about its wailing and fit throwing. Even though it is still there in the back of your mind and you can still hear it you have more important and fun things to do with your time then fuss with the brat. (think the over stressed mother that doesn't get time away from all that mess. That is what you are when you pay it any mind.)
But I got sidetracked like I do and this post is meant to be on what *I* have learn from my trip down this long and rough road.
One of the things that I noticed even when first starting out in the worst crippling part of the fear and doubt of this was that I opened up more then I do. To me it felt mandatory to do this but as I got better I just kept on being open and more loving to my family around me. For example I have stared to give more hugs and glompers to my kid siblings! I've not really been a physical person when showing love in the past and there are some moment when I regretted this lack of free expression very much. My family for some odd reason just doesn't give hugs and say I love you like many families do. We know that we are cared for and love (and when we are not >.>) but the only one that has for the last almost decade that shows love and says it openly a ton it John. Yeah surprising is it not ^_^! John rox and he should know it! I hope he knows that out of everyone he has been there for me the most and it warms my heart deeply in ways that I hope he has seen.
This condition has let me see outside of myself in a new and odd light and so I have tried to gleam from this a better view of how I and other show emotions (inside and out) and how we get on with one and another.
Also I have to add and I hope you take this in the right light something that really helped me in the middle of the stretch of road I've come down so far. When I got the get Well card from you Craig it shown a light into my hazy world and let me know that even though I had been MIA from the web/IM and kinda secretive about me condition that you where not angry at me for it. Another thing you might see here is I keep my problems to myself until I can't and I HAVE to ask for help. Well I've learned that I can ask for help a lot earlier and not be ashamed that I can't go it alone in something in life and I am not less a person for it when I reach out.
I also have been taking greater step in loving who I am... flaws and all.
I thought that I always love who I was even though I knew/know that I have a great many things to work on BUT, despite these flaws I am a awesome person and fried and that I need not hide that joy in my own pride and worth.
DP/DR stripes who and what you are away layer by layer and bit by bit. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to over come. When you lose you you lose all the strength you have and what keeps you fighting.
When you look in a mirror and know it is you but feel like you don't know that person and are a stranger in anther's body it is more disconcerting then I can ever hope to relate. \
I think that in one reason that after having over come most of the DP symptoms that I have taken a keen liking to my own face and picture/self portraits is that I'm happy being me again (more or less I still have a long road to be 100% but I'm glad I've made it this far ^_^). Like people have been known to say '...worts and all'.
As of the last month or maybe a bit more the biggest and oddest rough part of the battle has been the DR. When your brain tells you that everyone and everything is fake and that the life you know and the world you have known all your life is a figment of your ill imagination it is more then a lil disconcerting.
But I have been passing through this block and for the last week maybe a week and a half I ave had smaller and shorter spikes in this 'lovely' part of the condition.
Another example that taking your mind off the condition and on other thing helps lessen or temporary eliminate (and leads to smashing it to Hell all together) it is while I have been dealing with this mega painful and crappy ear infection ('swimmer's ear') have at time noticed that I am more or less symptom free from all the crap that DP/DR throws at me.
Pain can sometimes be a blessing lol.
There is more most likely but I can't think of this right now. Night folks *poke poke*
I don't think I have talked much as of the last few weeks except in passing on how I'm doing with my DP/DR.
To be honest I'm still working hard at living next to it and ignoring it and getting on with my life. All parts of good advice I would pass on to others that have this hurdle in their own life or of someone they know. (Like I said those books are the best forty bucks I have yet to spend in my life)
But I can say I've come a long way and moved mountains to get here. Sometimes those mountains fall on me and I have to crawl out from beneath them and brush myself off.
A big part is staying firm in your own mind's stance of who you are and what you know is true. Very much harder said them done. Trust me this road will beat you down and then when you are laying in a ditch next to the road in a puddle of your own blood it will keep beating on you and kicking you in the most tender part trying to make you cry uncle and give in. It wants you to sat in that hole scared and in pain.
Well what it does not know is that it only has as much power as you give it. That means some days it is a raging Godzilla monster raging through the streets in your head and other days it is just a brat with a nerf bat beating you around the ankles screaming and carrying on throwing its tantrum.
In fact most days that you just get on with your life and say frak you you lil brat it is just that the fussy ignored lil kid carrying on wanting all of your attention and you just don't give a frak about its wailing and fit throwing. Even though it is still there in the back of your mind and you can still hear it you have more important and fun things to do with your time then fuss with the brat. (think the over stressed mother that doesn't get time away from all that mess. That is what you are when you pay it any mind.)
But I got sidetracked like I do and this post is meant to be on what *I* have learn from my trip down this long and rough road.
One of the things that I noticed even when first starting out in the worst crippling part of the fear and doubt of this was that I opened up more then I do. To me it felt mandatory to do this but as I got better I just kept on being open and more loving to my family around me. For example I have stared to give more hugs and glompers to my kid siblings! I've not really been a physical person when showing love in the past and there are some moment when I regretted this lack of free expression very much. My family for some odd reason just doesn't give hugs and say I love you like many families do. We know that we are cared for and love (and when we are not >.>) but the only one that has for the last almost decade that shows love and says it openly a ton it John. Yeah surprising is it not ^_^! John rox and he should know it! I hope he knows that out of everyone he has been there for me the most and it warms my heart deeply in ways that I hope he has seen.
This condition has let me see outside of myself in a new and odd light and so I have tried to gleam from this a better view of how I and other show emotions (inside and out) and how we get on with one and another.
Also I have to add and I hope you take this in the right light something that really helped me in the middle of the stretch of road I've come down so far. When I got the get Well card from you Craig it shown a light into my hazy world and let me know that even though I had been MIA from the web/IM and kinda secretive about me condition that you where not angry at me for it. Another thing you might see here is I keep my problems to myself until I can't and I HAVE to ask for help. Well I've learned that I can ask for help a lot earlier and not be ashamed that I can't go it alone in something in life and I am not less a person for it when I reach out.
I also have been taking greater step in loving who I am... flaws and all.
I thought that I always love who I was even though I knew/know that I have a great many things to work on BUT, despite these flaws I am a awesome person and fried and that I need not hide that joy in my own pride and worth.
DP/DR stripes who and what you are away layer by layer and bit by bit. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to over come. When you lose you you lose all the strength you have and what keeps you fighting.
When you look in a mirror and know it is you but feel like you don't know that person and are a stranger in anther's body it is more disconcerting then I can ever hope to relate. \
I think that in one reason that after having over come most of the DP symptoms that I have taken a keen liking to my own face and picture/self portraits is that I'm happy being me again (more or less I still have a long road to be 100% but I'm glad I've made it this far ^_^). Like people have been known to say '...worts and all'.
As of the last month or maybe a bit more the biggest and oddest rough part of the battle has been the DR. When your brain tells you that everyone and everything is fake and that the life you know and the world you have known all your life is a figment of your ill imagination it is more then a lil disconcerting.
But I have been passing through this block and for the last week maybe a week and a half I ave had smaller and shorter spikes in this 'lovely' part of the condition.
Another example that taking your mind off the condition and on other thing helps lessen or temporary eliminate (and leads to smashing it to Hell all together) it is while I have been dealing with this mega painful and crappy ear infection ('swimmer's ear') have at time noticed that I am more or less symptom free from all the crap that DP/DR throws at me.
Pain can sometimes be a blessing lol.
There is more most likely but I can't think of this right now. Night folks *poke poke*
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
This is me
I always have a odd feeling like people will judge me for what I look like (and lets face that all plus size people have that tick >.> oh well lol) . Anyway take a gander.
So have at and enjoy or not. I do lol.
Yeah I just noticed I have a tendency to tilt my head and yes most are in the my car... that tends to happen when you are a taxi service to your sibs and run errands more then anything else lol.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
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