Being hated is not the end.

Sometimes you have to be hated to make things better. I'm okay with that. Well I have to be okay with that. Lets just say that I'm willing to wait out the storm as it lashes at my front door.

I know that after the storm is gone and the clouds clear that the stars will still be there. I want to make sure all the people I care for also make it through the storm. That they know that even if you can't see the stars through the storm that they are always there and will still be there when it is all over.


Sometimes the storm is outside and sometimes the storm is within. Thought the storm and all the trouble and pain is causes are not ever lasting.

Jesus was hated. He did not hate in return. I'm not anyway close to being as forgiving and as wonderful as he is but, I know that I can try and fallow his path. Stumbling and falling along the way as I do.

At least I have great company along the way. More friends to rough out the storm with me.

When the tempest tosses them I can try and be their tether and when the storm beats me down they are my life preserver.


I'm not the perfect friend. I've never pretended to be. I'm not the greatest person, in fact I'm a slaggen lump of lard that looks as odd as they come. Though I know that I deserve a great chance at life and so do the great people that I've met on my way. I know and thank God every day for the wonderful people that have come in and out of my life along the path. I really wish that some people would not choose to exit from our shared path. And sometimes I try and seek out the people that can cut the ties that bind us as friends. Sometimes it works and fewer times it doesn't. They are still welcome to share the dusty road I tred.

I'm a stubborn jackass. I just don't take the hint when people tell me to scat. Why would I? I'd rather be around them at their worst and hear them curse the stars that ever twinkle over our heads then not hear them share their pain. A pain I can't stand to see them suffer. I really want to take that pain and remove it from them. Remove the black cancer that consumes the light and joy in their soul. I don't know if I can but I want to try. If I don't try when what good am I as a person? How could I call them friend?


Give me your hate. Let it spew forth like the darken rain clouds that bring the beating storm. Let it fill the merky night. Let it drift off into the ebony black and be burned away by the coming dawn.

I'll be here with a rope and a hand to help you back to dry land.



That is if you'll let me be a helping hand. A hand just as beaten and calloused as any other that has see better days and knows there are more bad ones still yet to come.

Just got back from the hospital... (and my new Doc)

...but not for me this time lol.

Paul was fighting with John over using John's computer and as this is one of John's day off he wanted to use it and told Paul to screw off. Well Paul kept getting in John's face and escalating it and making it worse and trying to drag me into it, which I hate to fight right now as it inflames my DP. Anyway Paul kept getting right up and in John's face and threatening his computer and accounts on the different things he has (like WoW and such) and so John pushed Paul in his chest...

Well Paul grabbed a wrench that was on the piano and hit John as hard as he could on the elbow (I dunno if John tried to block the hit by raising his arm it kinda looks that way).

Anyway I had a look at it and it was bleeding under the skin and swelling and John way hurting rather bad at that point so we both deiced that he need it looked at.

At first we went to Insta-care to see if they would look at it. By this time John had had the worst time driving down to the Insta-care on 21st south and just off 9th east. I offered to drive him but since I'm having the lovely trip know as DP he thought it was not the best idea. When we got there they wanted almost $100 buck up front and John just did not have that kinda cash to throw at them so we decided to take him to the ER. More money but they will work with you and bill you for the cost.

At this point he could not drive so I said I would as long as he did not mind me going slow and it did not freak me out to much. (see DP is a fucked up crippling thing that is messing over normal life >.< I can't even drive a car normally) Anyway I drove it from the Insta-care at 9th and 21st and made it clear up to the ER at LDS hospital with no problems and that kinda made me rather happy that I at least know that I can drive with this if I have to. Not that I like it one bit while DP-ed out but you take what you get with this.

Anyway I parked and took him in and got him checked in and taken care of up at LDS. They said right off that it was most likely not broken even though John said that it hurt a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale and he was having trouble bending it and moving it and pain when doing so.

They took x-rays and checked him some more and then we left.

At this point John said that he wanted to drive home so that I could relax and not feel so stressed (more DP fun... new or high stress things make DP flare up. Don't I have a awesome brother ^_^ thinking of me even when he has mega pain).

Anyway we are home and Paul and Rachel are gone and my parents are at a missionary reunion for my father's Munich mission. Dunno if Paul and Rachel went with them and I bet they did after Paul fed them a big sob story about how John beat him up.... HELLO John was in the ER NOT Paul. Sorry it kinda pisses me off.

Hell I didn't even get to take my new anxiety meds before driving John thanks to Paul. NOT FUN!

In short bad day in some ways.



Other news my new psychiatrist is much better and understanding then the dim bulbs that I was going to before. He seems like a better person to work with. He also gave me two meds to work with my anxiety on. One is a faster acting one that I take half a pill four times a day and the other is an SSRI (*gulp*) that will take a month or more to work up to level in my system and get working well.

Kinda scary that I'm taking some strong meds but if it works I will do a happy dance of never ending joy for them.

As for now it is still rather crappy and I still feel like life is a very boring and scary (*le sigh*) movie that I don't get to be a part of.

*hugs* to all my beloved friends!

Day 3 and still ouchie >.<

So I told some of you about how I slipped on the wet leaves going down the front porch steps the other day and fell off the last couple steps and did the splits XD and then landed on my left knee and left foot.

Only thing hurt other then my pride lol was my left knee that is all better and my left foot... still ouchie.

So yeah it is still swollen and tender and has a scab on it. So here is a pic just for Craig our lil podophilia (Foot fetish/lover) out there.

Plz ignore the hair and how ugly my foot is -_-


You can see that my foot is swollen and my flip flop strap mark lol

Lost...

I just had this strong feeling of anger and sadness hit me just now out of the blue as I was reading through another LJ community and it had nothing to do with what I was reading.

I have so much negative crap built up over the last 10+ years having to do with my parent and right now all the things that have to do with my father have come to a head.

Before my father's mother passed on she made amends (made up, cleared the air) with her daughters (my father's sisters) so that there was nothing left feel mad or pained about between them before she died. No unresolved issues between mother and daughters.

I really feel like I need to do this with my dad. He has been getting more and more health problems in the last year and with this it makes you know how close he could be to passing on.

I need to say things to him. Things I know that will hurt him and pain him. Things I need to get out in the air between us so that if anything happens I can move past them. So self centered I know but I can't help but have these feeling after some of the things that he has said and done over the year about me. It hurts to have a parent look down on you no matter who and what you are and I need him to know that not only has this pained me for years and years but that he is also doing it to Rachel and even John and Paul to a lesser extent.

But I can't do this while he is sick as it might hurt his recovery... but if he passes away before I can talk to him and we clear this up I will never be able to think of my father without a tainted ping of hurt. I know if this is how I feel that my siblings need to as well. All our lives have been hard and we all have had crap to go through but I feel this needs to be done.


I'm so lost as to what to do...