Thinking out load

It is said and I believe it with 100% certainty that one of the worse factors in this condition is that it strips away at the very core of what make a person a person.

When you miss the person in the mirror and you walk around in a cloud looking for any sigh of your 'past' life and there is no touch stone it is pretty much a cold lonely place to walk through.

I think that I am standing in the middle of this dark condition because I can see that I have gotten a tad better and can function a bit better but I know that I have "miles to go before I sleep" (Robert Frost).

I long to feel normal but like Shaun (DP manual) says when you are in this condition you can't remember what it was like to be normal while working through it. It is like the pain and your brain are trying to contain the fear, panic and worry making the whole episode of the condition seem even more removed from life and normality. Shaun used this example to explain it: think of how you feel when having a really bad nightmare with the worst monsters dredged from the darkest parts of your mind and imagination. Now when you wake up this dream does not make you run and hide. No in fact you get up and can get on with your normal day of school or work like nothing happen. Why because your nightmare was episodic and the fear fades with the end of the dream. Even though you might remember parts of the dream you can't feel the fear from it because it fades away. The same can be said of the idea of DP being episodic. While in the condition you can't really recall what normal feels like BUT, when you get out from under it you can remember the feeling but not the fear that covered it. Like the nightmare.

So right now I am walking through a distorted landscape that is my life and it is just out of reach and things are just not right with how I see and hear things.

Just thinking out load on this as my mind will not shut up on this... another 'fun' factor of this condition.