Lessons I have learned from this

....and am still learning.


I don't think I have talked much as of the last few weeks except in passing on how I'm doing with my DP/DR.

To be honest I'm still working hard at living next to it and ignoring it and getting on with my life. All parts of good advice I would pass on to others that have this hurdle in their own life or of someone they know. (Like I said those books are the best forty bucks I have yet to spend in my life)

But I can say I've come a long way and moved mountains to get here. Sometimes those mountains fall on me and I have to crawl out from beneath them and brush myself off.


A big part is staying firm in your own mind's stance of who you are and what you know is true. Very much harder said them done. Trust me this road will beat you down and then when you are laying in a ditch next to the road in a puddle of your own blood it will keep beating on you and kicking you in the most tender part trying to make you cry uncle and give in. It wants you to sat in that hole scared and in pain.

Well what it does not know is that it only has as much power as you give it. That means some days it is a raging Godzilla monster raging through the streets in your head and other days it is just a brat with a nerf bat beating you around the ankles screaming and carrying on throwing its tantrum.

In fact most days that you just get on with your life and say frak you you lil brat it is just that the fussy ignored lil kid carrying on wanting all of your attention and you just don't give a frak about its wailing and fit throwing. Even though it is still there in the back of your mind and you can still hear it you have more important and fun things to do with your time then fuss with the brat. (think the over stressed mother that doesn't get time away from all that mess. That is what you are when you pay it any mind.)



But I got sidetracked like I do and this post is meant to be on what *I* have learn from my trip down this long and rough road.

One of the things that I noticed even when first starting out in the worst crippling part of the fear and doubt of this was that I opened up more then I do. To me it felt mandatory to do this but as I got better I just kept on being open and more loving to my family around me. For example I have stared to give more hugs and glompers to my kid siblings! I've not really been a physical person when showing love in the past and there are some moment when I regretted this lack of free expression very much. My family for some odd reason just doesn't give hugs and say I love you like many families do. We know that we are cared for and love (and when we are not >.>) but the only one that has for the last almost decade that shows love and says it openly a ton it John. Yeah surprising is it not ^_^! John rox and he should know it! I hope he knows that out of everyone he has been there for me the most and it warms my heart deeply in ways that I hope he has seen.

This condition has let me see outside of myself in a new and odd light and so I have tried to gleam from this a better view of how I and other show emotions (inside and out) and how we get on with one and another.

Also I have to add and I hope you take this in the right light something that really helped me in the middle of the stretch of road I've come down so far. When I got the get Well card from you Craig it shown a light into my hazy world and let me know that even though I had been MIA from the web/IM and kinda secretive about me condition that you where not angry at me for it. Another thing you might see here is I keep my problems to myself until I can't and I HAVE to ask for help. Well I've learned that I can ask for help a lot earlier and not be ashamed that I can't go it alone in something in life and I am not less a person for it when I reach out.

I also have been taking greater step in loving who I am... flaws and all.

I thought that I always love who I was even though I knew/know that I have a great many things to work on BUT, despite these flaws I am a awesome person and fried and that I need not hide that joy in my own pride and worth.

DP/DR stripes who and what you are away layer by layer and bit by bit. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to over come. When you lose you you lose all the strength you have and what keeps you fighting.

When you look in a mirror and know it is you but feel like you don't know that person and are a stranger in anther's body it is more disconcerting then I can ever hope to relate. \

I think that in one reason that after having over come most of the DP symptoms that I have taken a keen liking to my own face and picture/self portraits is that I'm happy being me again (more or less I still have a long road to be 100% but I'm glad I've made it this far ^_^). Like people have been known to say '...worts and all'.


As of the last month or maybe a bit more the biggest and oddest rough part of the battle has been the DR. When your brain tells you that everyone and everything is fake and that the life you know and the world you have known all your life is a figment of your ill imagination it is more then a lil disconcerting.

But I have been passing through this block and for the last week maybe a week and a half I ave had smaller and shorter spikes in this 'lovely' part of the condition.

Another example that taking your mind off the condition and on other thing helps lessen or temporary eliminate (and leads to smashing it to Hell all together) it is while I have been dealing with this mega painful and crappy ear infection ('swimmer's ear') have at time noticed that I am more or less symptom free from all the crap that DP/DR throws at me.

Pain can sometimes be a blessing lol.

There is more most likely but I can't think of this right now. Night folks *poke poke*

Just got back from the hospital... (and my new Doc)

...but not for me this time lol.

Paul was fighting with John over using John's computer and as this is one of John's day off he wanted to use it and told Paul to screw off. Well Paul kept getting in John's face and escalating it and making it worse and trying to drag me into it, which I hate to fight right now as it inflames my DP. Anyway Paul kept getting right up and in John's face and threatening his computer and accounts on the different things he has (like WoW and such) and so John pushed Paul in his chest...

Well Paul grabbed a wrench that was on the piano and hit John as hard as he could on the elbow (I dunno if John tried to block the hit by raising his arm it kinda looks that way).

Anyway I had a look at it and it was bleeding under the skin and swelling and John way hurting rather bad at that point so we both deiced that he need it looked at.

At first we went to Insta-care to see if they would look at it. By this time John had had the worst time driving down to the Insta-care on 21st south and just off 9th east. I offered to drive him but since I'm having the lovely trip know as DP he thought it was not the best idea. When we got there they wanted almost $100 buck up front and John just did not have that kinda cash to throw at them so we decided to take him to the ER. More money but they will work with you and bill you for the cost.

At this point he could not drive so I said I would as long as he did not mind me going slow and it did not freak me out to much. (see DP is a fucked up crippling thing that is messing over normal life >.< I can't even drive a car normally) Anyway I drove it from the Insta-care at 9th and 21st and made it clear up to the ER at LDS hospital with no problems and that kinda made me rather happy that I at least know that I can drive with this if I have to. Not that I like it one bit while DP-ed out but you take what you get with this.

Anyway I parked and took him in and got him checked in and taken care of up at LDS. They said right off that it was most likely not broken even though John said that it hurt a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale and he was having trouble bending it and moving it and pain when doing so.

They took x-rays and checked him some more and then we left.

At this point John said that he wanted to drive home so that I could relax and not feel so stressed (more DP fun... new or high stress things make DP flare up. Don't I have a awesome brother ^_^ thinking of me even when he has mega pain).

Anyway we are home and Paul and Rachel are gone and my parents are at a missionary reunion for my father's Munich mission. Dunno if Paul and Rachel went with them and I bet they did after Paul fed them a big sob story about how John beat him up.... HELLO John was in the ER NOT Paul. Sorry it kinda pisses me off.

Hell I didn't even get to take my new anxiety meds before driving John thanks to Paul. NOT FUN!

In short bad day in some ways.



Other news my new psychiatrist is much better and understanding then the dim bulbs that I was going to before. He seems like a better person to work with. He also gave me two meds to work with my anxiety on. One is a faster acting one that I take half a pill four times a day and the other is an SSRI (*gulp*) that will take a month or more to work up to level in my system and get working well.

Kinda scary that I'm taking some strong meds but if it works I will do a happy dance of never ending joy for them.

As for now it is still rather crappy and I still feel like life is a very boring and scary (*le sigh*) movie that I don't get to be a part of.

*hugs* to all my beloved friends!