Lost...

I just had this strong feeling of anger and sadness hit me just now out of the blue as I was reading through another LJ community and it had nothing to do with what I was reading.

I have so much negative crap built up over the last 10+ years having to do with my parent and right now all the things that have to do with my father have come to a head.

Before my father's mother passed on she made amends (made up, cleared the air) with her daughters (my father's sisters) so that there was nothing left feel mad or pained about between them before she died. No unresolved issues between mother and daughters.

I really feel like I need to do this with my dad. He has been getting more and more health problems in the last year and with this it makes you know how close he could be to passing on.

I need to say things to him. Things I know that will hurt him and pain him. Things I need to get out in the air between us so that if anything happens I can move past them. So self centered I know but I can't help but have these feeling after some of the things that he has said and done over the year about me. It hurts to have a parent look down on you no matter who and what you are and I need him to know that not only has this pained me for years and years but that he is also doing it to Rachel and even John and Paul to a lesser extent.

But I can't do this while he is sick as it might hurt his recovery... but if he passes away before I can talk to him and we clear this up I will never be able to think of my father without a tainted ping of hurt. I know if this is how I feel that my siblings need to as well. All our lives have been hard and we all have had crap to go through but I feel this needs to be done.


I'm so lost as to what to do...